it hurts,
to be the person i am.
it hurts,
to be so aware of one's failings.
it hurts,
to know what to do, yet lack the courage to do it.
it hurts,
to be what i am.

I am a special person, for i am me.
I am a person who tries to lose himself
so he doesnt have to be himself.
I wish to be the person who is me with the courage
to do what he wishes.

I would do anything to be like this.
I see people.
I see the way they go through life,
knowing they can do what they want to do.
I see the way they enjoy themselves,
because they know what they can do,
and when the time comes - they do it.
What ever it may be.

I see myself.
I see the way i go through life,
knowing i wont do what i want to do.
I see the way others enjoy themselves
because i can see and feel their joy,
but not experience it.
and when the time comes - i dont do it
what ever that might be.

I know what i have to do.
I know when i should do it.
I know that i have to do this on my own,
and that no one can do it for me.
I know that i have to find it within me
to do what must be done.
I know that i feel like i can do it,
I know it makes the pain so much more,
knowing that i dont do it.

There is so much more to this than i could say.
To do so would take long painful hours to tell.

I know hope - i have felt something in me,
that gives me hope. I have a journey ahead of me. Where i will find
myself. Where i will find my love waiting.

I stand here, at the beginning of this journey,
scared and belittled,
worried and small.
But i stand here at the start of this journey
hopeful.

Things must change.
The person i am cannot continue,
not with out further delusions.
If i lie to myself, i lie to all.
I did delude myself previously,
it did not work.
for I am still me.

But do i delude myself equally,
to believe things can ever change?
Despair reigns when i think of this.

I stand here and think of truth.
It is painful.
I want this pain to give me strength.
I want to just Get on with it.

I sit here,
knowing what must be done.
Easy to do in my privacy.

Must i fool myself completely to succeed?
Must i feel this strength all the time,
to make this happen?
I have so many questions.

It hurts to be me.
But me is about to change.
So i wonder and hope,
as i start this journey,
will it hurt when i remember me.